It's So Easy (Not!) To Fall in Love!

What a difference four months makes!

Believe it or not, I had a hard time falling in love with this little girl! Before Gotcha Day, I had spent months reading books, blogs, and anything else I could get my hands on about adoption. People gushed about their adoption day, and how they instantly feel in love with their child. Someone mentioned how God was more real to them on their adoption day than at any other time in their life. Wow. That was not me, and it racked me with guilt.

I felt more like a caregiver than anything else. Having had two biological children, I was not prepared for the differences I would feel. They were not bad differences, but they were things I was not prepared for. As a result, our first 24 hours as a family were filled with tears and guilt. I wondered if this little girl deserved better, and would someone else be a better mother for her. My husband was a rock, and reminded me that "we were not brought this far to fail! She's the one God saved for us!" What a great man and pillar of strength.

The only thing that "saved" me was a talk with a friend prior to leaving. She shared her feelings about how things had been different for her as well. "I spent our first 24 hours in shock!" As I became more honest with my feelings, others in our group opened up as well. "I was just going through the proper emotions on Gotcha Day" lamented one of our travel mates. "She looked little like her referral photo and I was not prepared for that", she continued. As we started to share, I began to realize I was not the only one with mixed emotions.

Emotions continued to pour out once we got home. People in our DTC group discussed difficult emotions as bonding and attachment issues arose. Most of the issues revolved around just getting used to having a baby in the house. She may be from China, but by golly she tears up the house just like any ol' kid!

Anna would reach for strangers and cry when I held her back. It broke my heart to think that she preferred a stranger over me! What was I doing wrong!?! This continued for a month or two after we got home.

I spoke with another friend last week who mentioned celebrating Gotcha Day. She said she never wants to remember that day as it was awful! Her 20 month daughter had been in foster care, and was grieving for most of the trip. She cried, screamed, and wanted nothing to do with them. "No one in our group wanted to be with us as well as she was always crying and screaming. I just wanted to come home. I was not prepared for this at all!" What she said, and others have mentioned it as well, is I just wish someone had told me!

Please understand that I am not trying to scare anyone, but rather prepare you. It's hard to imagine anything but love and relief after months/years of waiting for your Gotcha Moment. But, I wish others had shared with me so I had an idea about how different things could be. Not bad, but different. People I've talked with regarding bonding issues have all said the same thing; I wish someone had told me it's not always peaches and cream! I hope this knowledge will allow you to enjoy and treasure your Adoption Day no matter how you may feel! In the end, it will be one of the best days of your life!